When Someone You Love Is Struggling & You Can’t Focus: How to Care Without Carrying Their Stress

Oct 5

Just this past week, I have found myself slipping back into old patterns. Someone I love is going through something pretty big. And because I love this person, I hurt for them.

I'm an empath. I'm also a helper by nature. So when someone I care about is struggling, my brain immediately starts searching for solutions.

What can I do?
What could I say?
How can I help?
How can I fix this?

And if there isn't anything I can actually do, I can feel myself becoming hypervigilant.

I check my phone.
I have trouble concentrating on my work.
My mind keeps drifting back to the situation.
I start dropping some of the habits and routines that normally keep me feeling good.

Before long, their struggle isn't just affecting them. I'm living inside it too. The irony is that as a life coach, I’ve helped clients with this - but I got into this work because I burned out, and so sometimes, I am still working on these issues myself. It’s not easy, but these steps below are some of the most powerful tools I’ve learned to make my life so much better.

When caring turns into carrying

For those of us who are empathetic, helpers, caretakers, people pleasers…or who have struggled with codependent patterns, this can be a tough distinction.

We genuinely want to help.

But sometimes helping quietly turns into taking responsibility for another person's well-being.

We start believing, consciously or unconsciously: If they're okay, I can be okay.

And when they're not okay, neither are we.

Our nervous system starts responding to their problem as though it's our problem to solve.

That's when we may become distracted, anxious, and/or hypervigilant. We check for texts. Rehearse conversations. Research solutions. Give more advice. Think ten steps ahead.

And meanwhile, we may stop tending to ourselves.

A phrase I'm practicing: Care without carrying.

I'm trying to remind myself that I can love someone deeply without taking ownership of what they're going through.

I can listen.
I can offer support.
I can ask what they need.
I can sit beside them in something painful.

But I don't necessarily have to fix it.

In fact, sometimes loving another capable adult means allowing them to navigate their own hard thing.

That can be incredibly uncomfortable for a helper.

Before you jump in, ask yourself three questions

When I notice that old urge to fix, rescue, check, or manage, I'm practicing a pause:

1. Is this mine to fix?

There are plenty of things in life we simply cannot solve for another person.

2. What does this person actually need from me…if anything?

Maybe they want advice. But maybe they simply need someone to listen. Sometimes it's worth asking: “Would you like me to listen, or do you want help thinking through solutions?”

3. What do I need right now?

This is the question helpers often forget. Maybe you need to put your phone away for an hour.

Finish your work.
Eat lunch.
Exercise.
Go outside.
Spend time with someone else.
Sleep.
Laugh.
Do something enjoyable.

Your loved one's struggle does not require you to stop living your own life.

Regulate yourself instead of trying to regulate the situation

Sometimes there truly isn't anything we can do. And that's when our work becomes taking care of our own nervous system.

Notice your feet on the floor.
Take a slow breath.
Go for a walk.
Look around and remind your brain where you are.
And perhaps say: “Someone I love is struggling. I wish I could change that. But right now, I am safe. I can care about them without carrying this for them.”

Because your suffering doesn't lessen theirs. Skipping your workout doesn't help them. Losing sleep doesn't protect them. Checking your phone 47 times doesn't change the situation.

And allowing yourself to laugh, work, rest or have a wonderful afternoon doesn't mean you don't care.

Loving them without losing you

This is something I'm practicing right alongside everyone else.I want to be a person who loves deeply. I want the people in my life to know that when things get hard, I'm there.

But I also don't want someone else's crisis to automatically become my crisis. So I'm coming back to this:

I don't have to make someone else okay in order for me to be okay.

I can care without carrying.

I can support without rescuing.

I can love someone through something difficult without abandoning myself in the process.

And if you're wired anything like me, maybe that's something worth practicing too.

⬆️ Want more help…? On Instagram, I share a TON of tips and inspiration to help you live a life with more joy and less stress. I’d love to see you there! @uplevellifecoach Just click HERE!

⬆️ Would you love more personalized support?

Reading about these tools is one thing. Figuring out how to apply them to your life…well, that’s another. That’s where I can really help!! I’ve done it myself and helped countless clients do it too. We can get to the root of what’s keeping you stressed, and really change things so that you feel good again. Ping me HERE!

⬆️ More joy. Less stress. A life that feels good to live.

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Kelly Hurd