Avoiding Conflict, Yet Feeling Resentment? 4 Steps To Handle This in a Healthier Way
Most of us weren't formally taught how to handle conflict. (I certainly wasn’t.) So we develop strategies:
Some people confront immediately.
Some shut down.
Some become passive-aggressive.
And a LOT of people become peacekeepers. They accommodate. Stay quiet. Explain away someone else's behavior. Say yes when they want to say no. They sweep it under the rug, and hope things get better. Everything looks fine on the outside. But inside? Resentment is building.
One of my favorite coaching questions to my clients that are having anger, chronic pain, or a short fuse is: What am I tolerating that is creating resentment? What are you sweeping under the rug and wish would just go away?
Maybe someone continually interrupts you.
A coworker keeps handing you last-minute work.
A family member repeatedly unloads their problems onto you.
You've become responsible for keeping someone else happy.
You continually agree to things you don't actually want to do.
Sometimes resentment isn't something we simply need to “let go of.” Sometimes it's information that something needs to change.
A Simple Tool for Handling Conflict
Try remembering four words: REGULATE → CLEAR → REQUEST → RELEASE
1. Regulate
When we're highly activated, it's much harder to communicate thoughtfully.
So before the conversation, take care of your nervous system.
Walk. Move. Pull weeds.
Breathe slowly on the exhale.
Write down everything you WANT to say.
Wait until tomorrow if you can.
The goal isn't to eliminate emotion. It's to create enough space between the emotion and your response that you get to choose how you communicate.
2. Get Clear
Before deciding what the other person needs to hear, ask yourself:
What actually happened?
How is it affecting me?
What do I need going forward?
Try to separate observable behavior from your interpretation of it.
“You don't respect me” is an interpretation.
“When you continue talking after I've asked to finish my thought, I feel frustrated” identifies something concrete.
Clarity makes productive conversations much easier.
3. Make the Request
You can use this simple framework with kindness and calm:
“When ___ happens, I feel ___. Going forward, I need/will ___.”
(Notice what's missing? A 15-minute explanation defending why you're allowed to feel that way.)
This can be especially challenging for people-pleasers. We sometimes believe that if we can explain our position PERFECTLY, the other person won't be upset.
But that's not something we can control.
Which brings us to perhaps the most important part.
4. Release the Outcome
You can communicate calmly, kindly and thoughtfully…and the other person can still dislike what you said.
They may disagree.
They may feel hurt.
They may become defensive.
They may need time.
But please hear and know this: Their discomfort doesn't automatically mean you did something wrong. (But omg, it FEELS AWFUL, I know.) I am sorry. Sometimes adulting sucks.
Your responsibility is how you communicate.
Their responsibility is how they respond.
Request or Boundary?
There's another distinction that can make conflict much easier:
A request tells someone what you'd like THEM to do.
“Could you please give me more notice before adding something to my workload?”
A boundary tells someone what YOU will do.
“If I don't have enough notice to complete something well, I may need to say no or renegotiate the deadline.”
Boundaries aren't about controlling another person. They're about becoming clearer about your own choices.
The Goal Isn't Zero Conflict
A peaceful life doesn't necessarily mean a life without uncomfortable conversations. In his book, An Open Heart: Practicing Compassion in Everyday Life, the Dalai Lama uses the thought experiment of a hostile neighbor to illustrate that negative feelings harm us, not the person who is causing the trouble.
Sometimes avoiding the conversation creates far more stress than having it!! He says that anger destroys our inner peace. So let’s make sure that you regulate yourself and get some distance from strong emotions first. Taking action greatly helps you to reduce anger and strong feelings. That sense of agency is key!
And sometimes, sharing your truth even strengthens the relationship.
The goal is to become someone who can notice: Something isn't working for me. We must learn to listen to our bodies, hearts and minds…and honor what we need. I invite you to have these statements as goals, and even mantras:
I can calm myself.
I can figure out what I need.
I can communicate it respectfully.
And I can allow another adult to have their own response.
That's not creating conflict.
That's learning how to move through it without losing yourself.
⬆️ Want more help…? On Instagram, I share a TON of tips and inspiration to help live a life with more joy and less stress. I’d love to see you there! @uplevellifecoach Just click HERE!
⬆️ Would you love more personalized support?
Reading about these tools is one thing. Figuring out how to apply them to your life…is another. That’s where I can really help!! We can get to the root of what’s keeping you stressed, and really change things so that you feel good again. Ping me HERE!
💛 More joy. Less stress. A life that feels good to live.
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